Be Thankful For Crap

You had to have guessed that the Thanksgiving post would be coming. I mean, come on. I can't let a holiday about being thankful pass by without using this platform as a way to encourage your own gratitude.

I apologize for the few days I've taken off. My body decided that Sunday would be the perfect day to get sick. I can't even be that upset. My birthday is over and I should be mostly better by tomorrow for Thanksgiving. Honestly, if it was going to happen at any time, now was the best time for it to happen. But anyway, I've just been a snot-nosed, mopey, lump on the couch who dozes in and out of consciousness and misses being able to hear and breathe. It's pretty sexy, it really is (see below).

Sad panda.

But I'm up and around today getting things ready for Thanksgiving. I'm washing my hands so much that I seem borderline OCD but I don't want to be blamed for giving people a cold via my cornbread.

Oh! Also, my interview went well so let's keep our fingers and toes crossed that something good comes out of this :-)

Now for the Thanksgiving message from yours truly:

The easiest part of being thankful or grateful is being appreciative of the good things. It isn't hard to say, "I'm thankful for my wonderful family" or "I'm thankful for the roof over my head". On some level, we're all thankful for the good things we do have (and if you're not, maybe you should try that out). I think it's beautiful that we have a day set aside to express that gratitude and I do so wish it shined through in more people the other 364 days of the year. The fact is, it's easy to be thankful for the good things, whatever they may be for you.

But what about the crap? That's right: THE CRAP. It's so much harder to be thankful for the crap we've gone through since last Thanksgiving. It's far more difficult to be thankful for something like losing a job or breaking a bone or finding out that you or a loved one has a serious illness. I'm sure that right now, you're looking at your computer screen or phone with the most quizzical look on your face. "What the hell? I'm not about to be thankful that I lost my job and had to go on unemployment and that paying bills is a serious struggle." I can't say I blame you for that. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, doesn't it? I hate that I'm on unemployment and I can barely balance paying loans and health insurance and bills in general. IT SUCKS. But I know that I would have never decided to go for this yoga teacher training if I didn't lose my job. I wouldn't have had this time to learn a lot about myself and what I'm capable of. I wouldn't have been able to see just who my truest friends are and how supportive they've been. The beauty of a struggle or hardship isn't necessarily the difficulty itself. The beauty usually shows up once we're past it and we can reflect and acknowledge that we took something away from that dark place.

So yes, be thankful for the crap. Be grateful for the things in your life that you have bitched and moaned about. Look back on this past year and realize that in those moments when you thought, "This is the worst thing ever" and you were sad or angry or miserable that you're here NOW. You made it and you learned something about yourself and those around you.

Of course, continue to be thankful for all the things you have and (at least for one day) forget about the things you want. I have so many blessings to be thankful for right now. SO MANY. I can't even begin to list them all. I also had a lot of crap happen from last Thanksgiving to this one and it all brought me to where I am now. I'm thankful for that crap.

I wish you all a very happy and blessed Thanksgiving. I hope you enjoy the time with your family, friends, loved ones, or maybe even volunteering to help those in need. Enjoy the food and merriment and go into the holiday season with a warm smile and a kind heart. I'm thankful for you and that you read what I write and, if you feel so inclined, feel free to comment about a crap from this last year that you can look back on and feel thankful for.

You Have More Than One V-Card

Let me start by sharing the news that I was called today for an interview in Elizabeth!! I have it scheduled for Friday at 3pm. Please send all the good vibes you can spare for me! I'm excited and feeling very hopeful about the future.


Has anyone else felt a serious shift in energy over the last week or so? I know I have. I suddenly have all this energy and drive that I thought I had lost. I don't know if it's me overcoming vata season or if it's just the universe giving me the push I need. Whatever it is, I'm super grateful that it's happening.


I think one reason for it is that I filled my week with positive people and things and that has truly made a big difference. One such positive force is my friend Wagatwe who I had lunch with today. I've known Wagatwe for about 20 years now which is super crazy. Anyway, she's awesome and has made a huge impact in the world already. She fights for what she believes in and is a true inspiration to me. I had a lovely lunch with her today just hanging out and catching up. She told me about a film event she went to called "How To Lose Your Virginity". No, the movie wasn't about how to have sex for the first time. This is an excerpt from a site promoting the film:


"In a culture that has overwhelmingly embraced the dictum “sex sells,” why does the concept of virginity still hold sway? Using her own experiences, filmmaker Therese Shechter humorously explores the chimerical nature of the idea, and how it’s been used to control women’s sexuality and sense of self-worth. The result, drawing from the expertise of vintage sex-ed films, abstinence advocates, and sex educators alike, is a surprising look at virginity’s influence, from purity pledges to porn sub-genres." 

http://www.docnyc.net/film/how-to-lose-your-virginity/#.Uo0bj8Smh8E

I recommend checking out the 4ish minute clip located at the above link. It seems like an interesting look at the concept of virginity. But that has nothing to do with the point I hope to make. What struck me was when Wagatwe showed me a card she received from the event called a "V-card". As most of you know, the term v-card has been used to refer to one's sexual virginity. It's as simply as if you're a virgin you have your v-card and you're no longer a virgin then you don't. But why is sexual virginity the only type of virginity anyone actually cares about? There are plenty of other first time experiences in this world that are surely more life-changing or inspiring than awkward first time sex.


The v-card that Wagatwe showed me was designed like a coffee club punch card. Why? It was designed this way because virginity can refer to far more things than just a sexual encounter. Every time we try something new that we've never done before we're losing a type of virginity.For instance, I lost my yoga virginity back in September 2007 when I took my very first yoga class at Montclair State University (and look where I am now!) I lost my tattoo virginity in 2011 when I got my Om tattoo (don't go get a tattoo and tell people I told you to do it). I lost my driving in the city virginity in October 2012 when I drove to the NYC Kidney Walk. Virginity can really just be anything that we've never tried or done. I've never had Ethiopian food, gone sky diving, or been out of the country (I don't really count my trip to Toronto). There are so many opportunities in our lives to still enjoy firsts and get punches in the v-card of life (I don't care how corny that sounded).


I fear that the closer we get to being established in life, the less likely we are to try new things or take chances. Some of us have career jobs and apartments/houses and loan payments and get into this routine of, "This is now my life". We sit back and fully believe that this day-to-day is just the way things are. We fear shaking things up.


STOP IT


Try something new! You'd be amazed at how invigorating it is to try something that you haven't done before. You may just decide to try a new class at the gym or take an impromptu road trip to a state you've never been to. Hell, even if you just get coffee at a shop other than Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. Pop one of your cherries, dammit. This is me telling you what to do. It is WAY too easy to get in a rut and to let months and years pass by without changing anything up or trying anything new. Go out and get your v-card punched by trying something new. Let me know how it goes, even if you hate it. I'd love to hear what new thing you tried because I'm nosy like that.


Note: please don't take this as an invitation to punch people in the face/otherwise cause harm to another human being/living thing simply because I'm encouraging you to try something new. Don't be morons about it, people. Now go take that damn spin class you keep avoiding!

Don't Be Confined By How You're Defined

Hooray for another amazing weekend at yoga teacher training at Bhakti Barn! It was inversions and arm balances weekend at yoga school and there's nothing quite like a perspective shift. They're challenging, scary, and freeing all at once.

We were blessed and honored to have Dana Trixie Flynn from Laughing Lotus NYC as our fearless leader on Saturday. I can't even begin to convey all the knowledge and wisdom that she brought our way. Not only did she make us more conscious of what we are or are not doing, but she made us believe our bodies can fly. The energy that she brought into the room was flowing through everyone so much that I felt it surging through my body for the rest of the night. It was an absolutely incredible experience.

Shameless promotion=if you're into yoga and are in the NYC area, definitely hit up Laughing Lotus for a class with Dana. Let me know how it is if you go because I can almost guarantee you will feel such a shift.

I can think of about 10 things that Dana said that really stuck out to me but I'd have to write an insanely long post for all of that. One thing that made me laugh but also got me thinking was when she asked us how many of us are cooks. A few of us sheepishly raised a hand and then a voice came from inside the studio asking, "Professionally?" Dana replied, "If you cook you're a cook, right? People used to ask me if I was a dancer and I used to tell them no. But then I thought, I dance so yeah, I'm a dancer."

We're so quick to only define ourselves within the context of things we feel we're great at or things we do professionally or things we may be close to "perfecting". I love baking and yet when people call me a baker I generally deny that I am because I'm not a professional baker or I'm not good enough yet. Does my unemployment mean that I'm not a school psychologist right now? When I'm not in an actual school environment am I not still a student? It's so easy to get caught up in labels and defining ourselves based on what we think we're allowed to say that we are.

I've decided that I am a:

• school psychologist
•  yoga student
• student of the universe
• baker
• dancer
• poet
• writer
• foodie
• wine connoisseur
• gardener 

Hell, maybe I'm even a few more things that I haven't even thought of. Maybe my friends and family can see me as more things than I can see myself. I don't get paid to taste cuisine from around the world or have a book of published poems. But dammit, I like trying new foods and discussing restaurants and cuisine with fellow unpaid foodies. I've been writing poetry since I was in elementary school so really, I've been a poet longer than I've been a school psychologist.

I share all of this because I don't want you to be confined by how you're defined. I want you to be open to the idea that in addition to being a teacher, you're also a baseball player. Perhaps in addition to being a stay-at-home mom/dad you're also an artist or a chef. Just because something is a hobby or an occasional interest doesn't mean that it can't be part of who you are as a person. Embrace all of who you are!! You are unique and wonderful and always growing. 

Special thanks and shout out to Dana Flynn, Betsy Davis, and all of the beautiful goddesses I get to call my Bhakti Barn yoga family! Thank you for inspiring me. 

Demon Possession

No, I haven't decided to take a life detour into the occult. Well, not yet anyway. I suppose I do still have other options open besides play time with demons. I want to talk to you today about your demons. But we'll get there...

One of the major benefits of being surrounded by inspiring yogis and yoginis for yoga school is that you're almost guaranteed to hear something that will resonate with you. Sometimes a teacher simply talks about how we're all a little off during seasonal changes or that the colder it gets the longer it takes for our muscles to get warm. In other instances, whatever is said rings in your ears and mind long after the class is over and hours or days after you've rolled up that mat and walked out of the studio. That happened to me this past weekend at yoga school when a teacher began discussing demons.

Demons. We all have them, don't we? My teacher began discussing whether we let our demons define us and I think the truth of it is that we all do. At one point or another, frequently or not, we give our demons the right and the privilege to define who we are. Being honest with myself and you, I know that my unemployment is taking up a huge part in the definition of me right now. I see people complain about waking up early for work and I want to scream, "You have a job, so be thankful!" I feel jealousy rear its ugly head when people get jobs and I get so down on myself for not being where I want to be. This is the longest I've gone without a job since I began working back in my teenage years. I don't know how to exist this way because it's never been part of who I am. I'm the driven one not the one who doesn't work. My big demon right now is my unemployment and figuring out how to stop it from telling me who I am.

So what do I do? I apply for every school psychology and child care job that I can and even look for random jobs in fields I've never tried before. I know that I'm doing my part to get a job and that getting one is just a shaken not stirred cocktail of luck, the universe, and who I may know. I can't sit here and let this demon, or any others I may have, own me.

I have to own the demon. 

Yeah. That's right. You own whatever demon(s) you have. Letting any demon control who you are is just a way to accept defeat and blame something out of your control. I'm unemployed right now and so are hundreds of thousands of others across the United States. I may not have full control over my situation right now but I can make strides to control how it impacts me.

I'd be lying if I told you I fully own this demon. I don't. I have plenty of days when I want to scream or cry because I've applied to dozens of openings, had three interviews, and still don't have a job. I have days when I lay around for most of the day because I feel so down on myself that it takes effort to do something simple like laundry. It's days like that when I have to remember that it's my demon that's keeping me down and I have to step outside of my body and pick myself up and get moving.

 Always remember that you are only being held back as much as you're letting your demon(s) hold you back. Don't give up. Don't give in.

What are your demons right now? Are you letting them tell you your worth or are you telling them theirs?

Don't Beat Yourself Up

In September, I began the journey of finally going to yoga school to be a yoga teacher. It's something I've talked about for years but always had an excuse not to pursue. One of the most positive things that has come out of not being rehired at my job is that I finally didn't have an excuse. I'm able to pay for the training over the entire course of the program (9 months) and I don't have any work obligations (for now). My only barrier at that point was myself. I found the perfect program and I could not be happier with my decision. It's already been a journey of self-discovery and knowledge and I cannot  begin to imagine where I will be by May.

One of the requirements for the program is to take a minimum of one class per week at the yoga studio. I went to a class on Wednesday night, expecting it to be with the usual teacher. For whatever reason, my usual teacher was unable to make it and someone was filling in for her. It's funny when things like that happen, isn't it? We tend to be so set on our things. Remember high school? Because I know you got upset if someone sat in your seat. Anyway, I was a little bit bummed since I had never met this teacher and didn't know anything about her teaching style. Life is a funny thing though. It turned out that her class was perfect and fit my needs in that moment. The movement was both energizing and calming and I actually wanted to clap at the end of class. At the beginning of class, she briefly discussed a concept known as ahimsa. Ahimsa is a Sanskrit term and is most commonly defined as nonviolence or not doing harm. What struck me wasn't her discussion of the definition of the term, but what came afterwards: if ahimsa is part of the yoga code of conduct, why do we generally only think of it as not harming others. What about the self?

After class, I grabbed my phone (so zen, right?) and typed this: It is just as important to be nonviolent in how we treat ourselves as it is to be nonviolent in how we treat each other.

Think about that. I know for a fact you're harder on yourself than you should be because I know that I am and my friends are and my parents are and most people I know are. It's easier for us to show restraint with getting angry at someone else than it is to show the same restraint with ourselves. If a friend tells us they just haven't been feeling 100% lately and they've been really unproductive, we tell them it's okay and everyone needs down time sometimes. If we notice that we've been "lazy" or unproductive, we feel like crap because God forbid we just need some down time. We don't give ourselves the same permission. Maybe you've even overreacted to a relationship situation with a significant other. Show of hands? I thought so. If a friend tells you that he/she freaked out over something stupid, you're likely to say, "You know, we all have bad days. You're stressed about things and just lashed out. Go apologize and I'm sure everything will be fine". What happens when we do it? We beat ourselves up. "I'm such a crappy person. I just flipped out over something so stupid because I'm an asshole."

Violence to the self. Unkindness to the self. Treating ourselves poorly. We all do it and we do it well. We get mad at ourselves for forgetting someone's birthday or for waiting until the last minute to do homework. We kick ourselves for having one drink too many and waking up with a killer hangover. We curse our lack of self-control when we eat cookies and break the diet we've so diligently been following.

 I'm here to tell you to forgive yourself a little today. Put the violence away and remember that everything we do that we perceive as bad is really just a way for us to learn something about ourselves. We're not perfect and that's a beautiful thing. We get to wake up everyday still not knowing everything and we're still flawed. We have the opportunity to learn and grow everyday. See if you can be less violent with yourself and more forgiving.

True Life: when I woke up this morning, I had no idea I would start a blog. Well, here I am and this is happening. Hopefully some people read my rants. If not, at least it's a place for me to chronicle what exactly has been going on in my life. 

I guess I  ultimately decided to do this because my life has been so atypical lately. Up until about 6 months ago, I was totally set in life. I had a career job  and was well on my way to moving along to real adulthood (as opposed to faux adulthood which is usually what happens immediately after graduation). Anyway, about 6 months ago my boss informed me that I was not going to be rehired. Nothing strikes down the confidence of a new school psychologist quite like finding out you're not going to be rehired. I think I would have taken this news way harder if I thought for even half a second that I was bad at my job. I know I'm good at my job. I can honestly say that the reasons behind my not getting rehired were far out of my control. That whole story may develop in a completely different post full of rants and self-loathing and will likely come on a particularly dreary day. 

SO I was 26 and suddenly told that I was not going have a job in the fall. I couldn't even begin to anticipate how difficult it would be to find a job. I'm still unemployed today which is partially why I'm starting this nonsense. I'd like to take a shot in the dark and say that anyone who has ever been unemployed, especially undeservedly unemployed, has felt stagnant and like a general waste of space during the unemployment time. It's hard to go from being super productive and active to having way too much free time. That's where I am now. I feel completely stuck. You're reading a blog by someone who went from Honors and AP class in high school to the Honors program at Montclair State University and graduated in three and a half years. I was MAD when I didn't graduate in three years. That's the psycho's blog you're reading right now. I then went to graduate school for school psychology at Fairleigh Dickinson University, landed an internship in the town next to mine, and was lucky enough to get called for a job toward the end of August. I was one of the lucky ones who had a job right out of graduate school. Believe me when I tell you it physically hurt when I wasn't rehired because my brain automatically told me I squandered my blessings or that I didn't work hard enough. Thankfully my colleagues, students, and parents of students were there to tell me that it was a complete travesty that I wasn't rehired and that they were as shocked and appalled as I. A little support and commiseration can go a long way at a time like that.

 But back to stagnation. So I was the annoying person who was driven and successful and was always ready for the next thing. Now it's November, I'm one week away from being 27, and I feel stuck. I feel stuck because I was always in motion and always had things to do and a packed schedule and now that I'm here I don't know what to do with all of this free time. I know that sounds fucking moronic but it's true. I don't know how to have this much free time or how to structure it. It's the craziest thing. I'm sure at this point everyone reading this is saying, "Oh my God. Stop talking and get a job". I've applied for both school psychology jobs and jobs that have absolutely nothing to do with my major or interests in general. I've had three interviews, none of which have worked out. Most schools don't even look at me once they know I wasn't rehired and I'm either under-qualified for other jobs or over-qualified. Really, it's been a friggin' blast. 

So basically this is how my blog is going to happen: I want a place to show my current life. I want to blog about the yoga teacher training I'm doing, the recipes I try, what things come about day to day that are worth talking about, and just basically what it's like in my current life. Life is a journey or ups and downs and ins and outs. I hope to write things that inspire people, things that make people laugh, things that make people hungry, and things that make people feel something. My desire is to document my journey so that both I can look back and see where I was versus where I end up and also to help others who may be struggling with where they are and where they want to be. I welcome discussion, criticism, praise, and even ideas of what you'd like to see. 

Enjoy <3