Helplessly Devoted To You

It's always funny to me when inspiration strikes. This time it hit me while I was driving at 7:30am on my way to help my yoga teacher with hands on assists in class. I texted a friend of mine to thank her for speaking up about something one year ago. 

I don't want to get into specifics and I don't want to name names (although obviously anyone who personally knows me will know). I was at a party one year ago with my now ex-boyfriend. He realized that he forgot something at home and I offered to drive us there so he could get it. He said no and it was fine. I asked one more time stating that I wouldn't mind and it wasn't a big deal to go get it. He then snapped at me about this and told me to shut up. 

Now, I'm sure most of you are reading that thinking, "What a jerk. I hope you left him there." No, of course I didn't. This wouldn't be a blog post about experience and growth if I had haha. No, instead I apologized and did, in fact, shut up. I saw nothing wrong with this. We went home and acted as if nothing happened because to me, it was commonplace. I had actually grown accustomed to being told to shut up or being called a bitch as as term of endearment or being the recipient of a mood swing that wasn't even intended for me. This had become my norm and it had been that way for so long that I didn't even recognize that it wasn't a good thing. I rarely spoke up because I knew what the consequence would be so I just gave up.

In psychology, this is referred to as "learned helplessness". The original experiment for learned helplessness used dogs that would feel a shock (listen, this was before the hardcore rules in experimentation). The dogs were conditioned to learn that when they heard a tone they would receive a shock. When the dogs were put into a situation where they could escape the shock by moving to different area, they didn't and simply allowed the shock to happen. I'm definitely oversimplifying this, but I don't want to waste your time with a psychology lesson. 

The point is that even when the dogs had the chance to escape the shock, they didn't. They learned that there was nothing they could do to escape the shock so why bother trying? 

I feel like learned helplessness unfortunately becomes part of a lot of our lives, especially in relationships. Toward the end of my relationship, I really don't know my reason for staying. We weren't happy and the love that was once strong was actually painful. I knew I wasn't being treated the way I felt I should be and yet I stayed. I learned to be helpless and even though I knew I could leave because I had that ability, I just stayed and let the shocks continue and took them time after time without moving. 

I like to think that there are others out there who can relate to this. You know that you should leave a bad relationship or situation but you don't. You just stay and continue to get hurt for any number of reasons that you've convinced yourself of. The catalyst for me to move to the shock-free life was when a good friend of mine approached me about what happened at the party. She overheard the conversation and texted me to say never to shut up and that I have important things to say and that I did nothing wrong and it was really uncalled for. It was that moment when I paused and thought, "Wow. If someone else felt strongly enough to say something, it must be worse than I realize." It's then that your mind starts to remind you of other times you let the shocks happen and just sat there feeling the pain rather than removing yourself from the situation. It was very shortly after this that I realize I needed to stop getting shocked because there comes a point where it's just unhealthy and damaging and you know if you don't move soon you're going to be incapable of doing so.

When I think about this, it boggles my mind in a lot of ways because we as humans tend to be control freaks. Most of us don't like being in a situation we don't have control over. Some people don't like other people driving or seeing someone hurting and not knowing what to do or having someone help us with a project because they'll "do it wrong". Yet time and time again, we let ourselves lose control of situations we absolutely have control over simply because the learned helplessness kicks in and we stay in that shock cage. 

You are not helpless. You are so strong and so amazing. You don't deserve the painful shocks, whatever that means for you in whatever relationship or situation you're dealing with or have dealt with. The strength required to move to the shock-free area comes both from within you and from those around you who may share their strength and help you shake off the residual pain and get to where you need to be. It's not easy and it's not necessarily a quick heal either. Just think of any time you've literally been shocked and how that sensation feels...and that's just one quick, minor shock. So if that's amplified over time and intensity and number, you may have some healing to do to your body and heart and soul. But it all heals and you'll heal and be even stronger (trust me on this). 

So move from learned helplessness to learned hopefulness. 

From Headaches To Heartaches

I'm sure very few people can begin a blog post by saying their migraine inspired them. Well, mine did today.

When I tell you that today was the worst migraine I've ever had in my entire life I am completely not exaggerating. The pain was paralyzingly and the nausea was severe. I haven't eaten anything but an Advil Migraine and a Kind bar today because I simply couldn't do it. I actually ended up on the floor in my office, hiding under my desk, just for the chance to lay down and close my eyes. 

So, it was pretty damn bad. 

What I realized though was how exhausted I was from all of this. I didn't exactly get 8 hours of sleep last night but 6ish is the norm for me and that's right around where I was. But after hours of trying to fight the pain and anguish in my body I became so exhausted at work that I actually fell asleep while laying on the floor. 

I'm now home in bed to knock the rest of this headache out and, of course, that's when inspiration strikes. 

That physical pain used so much of my energy that I actually felt exhausted. I felt the way I've felt after sleepless nights or cramming all night for finals in grad school. If physical pain can make me feel that way, just think about what the emotional pain we feel is doing to us. I  fought so hard all day to power through that migraine. I refused to go home and I refused to give in and admit defeat. As a result, I went home and passed out for a nap. I woke up and went to dinner with my parents and then went to bed early. My alarm went off at 5:15am and I woke up. I then decided I could turn it off but still wake up in time (derp). So, of course, I woke up at 6:19am, flew out of bed, and got ready for work. The point is, even though I thought I had given my body the rest it needed, all that pain that I was fighting against and trying to push away had expended more energy than I realized. 

But that was just a really bad migraine. The fact is, we do this all the time with emotional pain more so than physical pain. If our shoulder hurts because we strained a muscle, most of us won't decide that's the right day to go lift extra heavy at the gym. If we break an ankle, that's not the night to go out dancing. We know when to allow rest for physical pain. But what about our emotional pain? We sometimes let pain that we feel from a relationship or failure or sad situation get pushed away because dealing with it would be far too much work or hassle or emotion. But just like how exhausted I was from fighting my migraine, we get incredibly exhausted from fighting the emotional pain, too.

I'm sure we've all been in relationships that we just knew weren't right. But what do we do? We sit there and rationalize and we tell ourselves that everything is okay. We don't deal with it when a significant other says something to make us feel like crap. We don't confront a friend or loved one when their jokes go too far. We push things aside and let them ruminate until we either feel defeated and give up or feel like we're about to explode. 

And we exhaust ourselves. We use up our finite amounts of energy given to is in this life just because it's easier than confronting something head on. I'm a huge supporter of picking your battles so I'm certainly not suggesting you go yell at your significant other every time they do something like forget to wash a spoon or don't notice your haircut. Really, some things just aren't worth a stupid fight. What I'm saying is that you need to figure out what your life migraine is and then decide to grab whatever Advil or Excedrin you need in order to ease that suffering. 

We're given these lives to live them and find happiness. We're given suffering because we need the sour to appreciate the sweet. But we also need to be aware and conscious of when we're allowing the suffering to become a chronic pain that tires us out while we sit idly by sans any type of remedy.

So, what's your migraine and what's the cure? 

Know Yourself

I went to Miami from March 24-April 1 and it was a wonderful trip. Mark was right when he said I'd (mostly) forget about the body stuff when we got there. I honestly did for the most part. I had a great time. Of course, that didn't stop me from comparing my body to almost every other woman's, but that's my issue to own. In all seriousness, the women in Miami Beach, my fellow vacationers, had bodies of all types. There weren't strictly gorgeous model-type women with perfectly proportioned boobs and butts as I feared and as I created in my mind. And yes, plenty of women I saw also had cellulite and no one seemed to care. We women  all walked around in shorts and relaxed on the beach in bikinis and just enjoyed the trip. It was nice actually. I didn't constantly look at my legs or check them in every reflective surface to see how bad things were. I simply allowed myself to live in the moment and enjoy my time with friends and my boyfriend surrounded by palm trees and warm weather.

This entire concept came into my mind today during the class I went to this morning at Bhakti Barn with Arjuna. I don't know why I never really heard these two words in his dharma talks before. He said they generally are part of his theme. I know that I do tend to be distracted or I hear something in a dharma talk that resonates with me and suddenly that's all I can think about. The two words he mentioned today were "know yourself". The third word he mentioned was "practice". His dharma talk essentially discussed how we are always learning about who we are. We have to be reminded to know ourselves because we usually walk around thinking we do when really, we're all works in progress. I know myself today for who I am today but when I wake up tomorrow, I could feel like a different Jen. I may wake up with energy and drive or I may wake up feeling somewhat overwhelmed. How I handle a problem today could be different from how I handle the same problem tomorrow.

Know yourself. Learn about yourself. Keep your mind and soul open to you so that everyday you have the possibility to let that wisdom and knowledge in. As Arjuna said today (in so many words), as long as we are alive in this existence, we have the opportunities to know ourselves and to learn more about ourselves. We have time. I enjoy knowing that at 27, I haven't attained all of the knowledge there is to attain for me. I haven't yet learned who Jen is in situations I've not yet handled. I don't know who I am when in a foreign country and faced with a language barrier, because I've never been outside of the US. Will I be frustrated? Will I try to communicate? Will I give up? Will I study beforehand so I have some conversational material to work with? But also, you may think you know how you handle conflict but each person you butt heads with has a different way of handling it, too. How do you handle a disagreement with a parent/friend/lover/colleague/stranger? Does it depend on your mood? Does it depend on the nature of the disagreement? Does it depend on whether you're hungry and therefore cranky? (Because I'm hungry right now).

It is so vital for we as human beings to be. Yes, just to BE. It's important for us to exist where we are and be mindful everyday and to make those efforts to know ourselves so that we can be aware of both positive and negative times and be conscious of what we need versus want, or love versus dislike, or know versus think we know. That last concept is such a brutal one, too. Because really, who wants to admit a LACK of knowledge? But when it comes down to it, we all lack knowledge and we lack wisdom because we're not done with this life. We should leave the mind portal open daily to allow whatever to enter that is meant to enter and accept these new truths or facts. We can then determine how this new data integrates into what we already know, whether it changes anything, and perhaps even why it was given to us.

The only reason I brought up the pre-Miami body image issues along with this topic is because of how my thoughts and perceptions changed during and after the trip. I feel more acceptance about my body than I had before the trip. I am able to reconcile with the fact that I want to keep working on myself to get to where I want to be. Meanwhile, I was so frustrated before the trip that I actually had a five minute meltdown where I considered not going (yes, I know that's kind of crazy and irrational). I know that many people feel the same way whether it's losing weight, gaining weight, gaining muscle, stopping nail biting, etc. I'm still learning who I am. I'm still learning what I'm doing and where I want to be. I have days when I'm cranky and days when I definitely mishandle a situation and days when I feel a little bit lost. But it's all okay because I am a work in progress. We are works in progress. So I hope you keep learning. I hope you know yourself a little more everyday. I hope you practice things you need to practice everyday whether it be self-acceptance or patience or gratitude or kindness or letting go or anything else. But most of all, I hope your forgive yourself when you feel you've failed in any of these tasks and come back to the idea that you are ever-growing, ever-learning-, ever-changing.

Know yourself. Practice.
Practice. Know yourself.

<3

Every Body Knows The Trouble I've Seen

This post is definitely going to annoy some people. I can already hear the thoughts of "Is she really complaining?" Or "Oh my God, shut up". I'm going to write this post anyway.

I've been feeling quite down about something that many of you have probably felt down about. I've been feeling bummed about my body. I know. I know for a fact that some of you who know me want to slap me right now because you like to think I have nothing to complain about. Well, I do. Even if you don't see the things I don't like, I see them and they upset me. They upset me and they make me feel less than pretty or sexy or even worth dating. 

It's amazing, isn't it? We so often let our value be defined by inches of our bodies. We let our beauty or sexiness be defined by legs and stomachs and noses. I'm not any different. I would love to tell you that I've been able to rise above all of this in my yogic journey and I can now just exist happily with who I am and how I look. But that's not true. It's not true at all. 

I, like many of you, spend time comparing myself to models, celebrities, and random strangers who I deem to have more desirable qualities than I. When these thoughts exist in one's mind, nothing anyone says seems to help. 15 people could tell you that what you see as a problem actually isn't and you'll still want to cry and yell about how it is and nothing you do seems to make it right. It's this catch-22 of frustration because you're frustrated about what you perceive is wrong with you and the people who love you are frustrated because nothing they say is fixing how upset you are. And it just plain sucks, doesn't it? 

I don't even have some magical answer for things right now. I wish I did. I could sit here and tell you to accept how you look and that you don't have flaws because you're made perfectly. I could tell you that you shouldn't feel self-conscious in a bathing suit or dread the upcoming summer weather because of having to abandon sweaters and jeans for tank tops and shorts. I could tell you all of these things. But this journey definitely is one of self-acceptance and learning to accept the things we really can't change or work on the things we think we can. Because in all reality, each of us is lovely and it's likely that the parts that we pick apart are exaggerated in our minds. I don't stare at every person I see who may have a pimple but I sure as hell have wondered if people gawk at me when I do. 

I've been working so hard to get ready for this trip to Miami I have in a week. I should be excited about a trip to a lovely place and an escape from reality. Instead, the thoughts consuming me are based around how I'll compare to the women there and how my body isn't as good and all I focus on are all the things wrong with me. Pure insanity. It's just really ridiculous that many of us have been so programmed to feel less than and feel like we have to be perfect and that any physical flaw makes us less desirable. It makes me so sad that my days lately have been defined by a few square inches of my body. (I'm not going to start a rant about societal standards or advertising because you all know those are huge parts of how we're programmed). 

We all struggle. We all have had moments of judging ourselves by appearance alone rather than the things we have to offer. Try to find comfort in the reality that you're not alone in this. Every body type has suffered with these thoughts and feelings. I know the fact that others can commiserate with you on this doesn't fix how you feel sometimes. But I hope that you know how lovely you are and that you should feel your very best. There is no such thing as perfection, regardless of what we all think is true. Strive for your happiness and do your best not to let anything get it the way. 

Not So Different After All

Believe me when I tell you that I'm all too aware that it's been almost a month since my last post. I'm sorry :-(  To be honest with you, I haven't felt truly moved or inspired in such a way that I've wanted to write something. I really only want to share my words with you when I feel a true inspiration to do so. Otherwise, I feel like it's all just forced and fake. I don't want to force anything that doesn't feel quite right. So, alas, that did result in my disappearance. I actually considered doing a 40 blog posts in 40 days for Lent (just as an exercise) but again, I feel like something would have been forced. Also, I'm going to be in Miami for eight days and I know that my phone will not be in the forefront of my mind while I'm getting a tan and enjoying the escape from the New Jersey winter (just being honest, my friends).

Anyway, you know those moments when you're driving or in the shower or wandering alone and you start to have those conversations with yourself? Maybe it's in those moments you ponder the meaning of life or how long the tree you're looking at has been there or maybe how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop (it's not 3, Owl!). Whatever you're pondering, I had one of those moments of deep thought and semi-clarity the other day.

I was on my way to yoga and I started thinking about how quickly we notice the differences versus the similarities. We're so quick to judge another person or place or belief system when we compare it to our own but we rarely, if ever, can see the similarities. I may be able to sit here and tell you thirty differences between myself and a teen drug addict but I can almost guarantee that she/he and I are both hurting for some reasons and have just utilized different tools for dealing with pain.

(DISCLAIMER: the following portion of this post does discuss religion. I do not, in my opinion, say anything offensive. However, if you feel that you might be offended, I would recommend switching to a different page or bracing yourself before continuing. If I do offend anyone, I apologize.)

My thought process ultimately shifted to how many Christians I've met who basically bash the idea of Yoga. I've heard everything from, "I don't do yoga, I'm a Christian" to "I don't worship those gods" to "That's idolatry". I find that so many Christians I've encountered have been so quick to dismiss Yoga or anything associated with it because of how disparate they feel Christianity is from Yogic beliefs. They often view Yoga as synonymous with Hinduism or Buddhism and therefore feel the two can't coexist (side note: there's a great book called Jesus in the Lotus that I've been working on reading and it discusses the union that can exist between Christianity and Yogic spirituality.)

Now, for anyone who only knows yoga as an exercise, there really are a great many similarities between Christianity and Yoga. For instance, one part of the 8 Limbs of Yoga is something called the Yamas. The five Yamas are as follows:

1. Ahimsa: non-harm of the self or others, including living creatures
2. Satya: truth
3. Asteya: non-stealing
4. Brahmachara: essentially, this is treating intimacy as a sacred act between two people in a meaningful way
5. Aparigraha: non-coveting

I didn't get too into the Yamas, but you see the essential overview. See any similarities? I surely do.

I also had the verse Matthew 5:16 come to mind out of nowhere as I drove: "In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." (New International Version). I see so much Yoga in that. Letting your light shine? Other seeing your good deeds? Glorifying God? So much Yoga! In many classes and in teacher training, we hear things about letting your heart shine or yourself shine and that others will see the good things that you do and the goodness in you. I remember being in Christian school and learning about how when you're a true Christian others will notice that you're different. Well, when you practice Yoga fully and truly people tend to notice a difference in you as well. And really, no one in a Yoga class or program would ever shun you for believing in God versus Ganesha or Shiva. Everything you do is to connect you and bring you closer to the present moment and ultimately closer to whatever or whomever you connect to on a spiritual level. Regardless, you are amazing enough to mange to exist as a beautiful spirit in a troubled world by shining that goodness forth.

I don't want to offend anyone. I don't want to make it seem like if you practice Yoga you're a Christian or if you're a Christian you have zero excuse to shy away from Yoga. Coming from a Christian household and identifying as a Christian for much of my life, I truly understand it all. My point is this: be open to the similarities in things before condemning. Try to seek understanding and Satya (truth) before running away from something because you deem it to be evil or wrong or impure. Understanding and openness are beautiful things that I think the world could use more of. We're all far more similar than we like to think and it's a great thing to be willing to seek out where those puzzle pieces connect instead of walking away from the puzzle because it's too damn hard.

I leave you with this quote from the commentary in The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali: "But the truth can never be changed because truth is always the same. The rites are just the skeletal structures that uphold the outside building, but the foundation of all the rites should be the same. That is why, whatever be the scripture, whether from the East, West, South or North, the basic truth should be in agreement."

Sending You Love

I don't have any sage-like wisdom to share today. I just wanted to make a short post sending out some love and goodness to all of you out there. 

I know that Valentine's Day isn't the easiest day for many of you. I know this because I've been in that space where I literally felt angry every time I saw someone post a picture of flowers or anything cute. It's heart-crushing. You have so much love to give and feel like you don't have anyone willing to take the step to share it with you. Perhaps someone did take that step to share it with you and took advantage of what you had to give. 

What's hard to remember on a day like Valentine's Day is how many forms love can come in. I do feel insanely lucky to have Mark. But even without him in my life, taking him out of the equation entirely, I am SO lucky to have all of the love in my life from my friends and family. It's sometimes not easy to remember all of the other people we have in our loves who radiate love our way and wrap us in that blanket of comfort. 

So, I have some hopes and wishes for you: 

I hope that you feel loved everyday 

I wish you a lifetime of friendships that are uplifting

I hope that your heart can smile on days when it wants to frown 

I wish you many people who want the best in life for you 

I hope that you can find lessons in heartbreak

I wish you more love than heartache 

I hope that your family makes you feel warm, welcome, and cared for

I wish you beautiful memories, both old and yet to be made 

Happy Love Day (and half price off of candy! Go get that!) 

Lazy In Love

(I started this post almost two weeks ago and apologize for the delay. I think I've felt Mercury in retrograde way before I knew it was coming)

My friend told me a story recently about her 16-year-old brother. He's had a girlfriend for 8 months or so and she was having a tough day. His girlfriend was texting him about this and at one point he put his phone down, turned to his mom, and asked, "Can you drive me to [insert girlfriend's name]'s house? She needs a hug." My friend then said to her brother, "Please don't ever stop doing that. Don't stop wanting to drive to your girlfriend's  house just because she needs a hug". He replied, "Why would anyone not want to do that? It's awesome".

This mini story prompted me to start wondering at what point in our lives we become lazy about love. I know this isn't true for everyone and "lazy" may be a rude word to use. There are some couples who have been married for decades and yet still do sweet things to surprise each other or leave cute notes just to make their partner smile. I think that's beautiful and hope and pray that if I get married one day, it ends up being that type of marriage. But many of my friends haven't experienced that effort. Many of my friends, most of whom are around my age (mid to late 20s/early 30s) haven't found this effort. I'm sure you're all coming up with any number of reasons. Here are some that you may be thinking:

I used to do sweet/nice things, but it wasn't appreciated so I gave up (in that relationship and any going forward).
I feel stupid doing those things.
Girls/guys think you're crazy/needy if you do those things.
People like their space.
Women want to be independent these days and don't like things like door holding or the offer to bring soup when they're sick.
My last boyfriend thought I was too affectionate so I've scaled back.
My last girlfriend got mad because I got her roses and she prefers carnations.
(Those last two were oddly specific...)

I have absolutely been the victim of this. I've been in that situation where it's the beginning of a new relationship and I'm so scarred from the last one that I hold back. It's not that we as women and men do these sweet gestures because we expect or need the "thank you" or appreciation. The types of people who inherently do things like this do them because it's part of who they are. I'm the type of girlfriend who will bring my boyfriend his Excedrin that he forgot so he can handle being at work without a migraine. Other girlfriends aren't like that and there's nothing wrong with that at all. We're all wired differently and we all have different wants and needs. Again, there is nothing wrong with those differences.

My pondering then really is just if any of us can identify the straw the broke the camel's back, as it were. What moment or series of events took us from the 16-year-old who wants to give his/her significant other a hug to disillusioned and jaded 20/30 somethings who are hesitant to perform acts of kindness and love? And you know what...I know you've been hurt. I know you've been made to feel like you're undeserving of love or affection. I also know that your heart probably looks somewhat like Frankenstein's monster, all sewn up and stapled closed just to be held together. Mine does, too. I have experienced what it's like to be unappreciated, used, and been made to feel like I was the crazy one for wanting something out of a relationship that meant more than settling. Believe me, I know. The hardest part is trying to allow someone access to that heart because you seriously wonder if it can be sewn and stapled again if it's torn apart yet another time.

The thing is, the right person for you will appreciate those parts of you that have been otherwise unappreciated. The right person for you will fulfill voids you felt with someone else. So I'm here to ask you to have a teenage mind and heart when it comes to love. That may be especially difficult right now for some of you reading this as Valentine's Day is a mere week away. I know this time of the year isn't the easiest to be single or heartbroken. I'll flat out say that it sucks. You can't go into a damn store without seeing hearts everywhere and you're like, "Oh my God I just want Cadbury eggs and sunscreen displays". But my favor that I ask of you is to try, now or in the future, to work with that teenage mind and heart and offer something that seems silly like bringing your significant other soup if he/she is sick or asking if he/she needs a hug on particularly rough day. Hell, maybe you even feel compelled to do something silly like bring your love a cupcake or clean his/her car if it snowed. The little things matter so SO much and it's easy to lose sight of that in our adult world of work, bills, social calendars, family events, loan repayment, etc. because those big things consume our minds. But if any of this made sense to you or echoes a part of you that used to be there before the pain and hurt set it, maybe give it a try. If those post doesn't resonate with you at all then I just appreciate that you took the time to check out what I had to say. So thanks! :)

Sending love and hugs to all of my valentines out there in the web world <3