Lazy In Love

(I started this post almost two weeks ago and apologize for the delay. I think I've felt Mercury in retrograde way before I knew it was coming)

My friend told me a story recently about her 16-year-old brother. He's had a girlfriend for 8 months or so and she was having a tough day. His girlfriend was texting him about this and at one point he put his phone down, turned to his mom, and asked, "Can you drive me to [insert girlfriend's name]'s house? She needs a hug." My friend then said to her brother, "Please don't ever stop doing that. Don't stop wanting to drive to your girlfriend's  house just because she needs a hug". He replied, "Why would anyone not want to do that? It's awesome".

This mini story prompted me to start wondering at what point in our lives we become lazy about love. I know this isn't true for everyone and "lazy" may be a rude word to use. There are some couples who have been married for decades and yet still do sweet things to surprise each other or leave cute notes just to make their partner smile. I think that's beautiful and hope and pray that if I get married one day, it ends up being that type of marriage. But many of my friends haven't experienced that effort. Many of my friends, most of whom are around my age (mid to late 20s/early 30s) haven't found this effort. I'm sure you're all coming up with any number of reasons. Here are some that you may be thinking:

I used to do sweet/nice things, but it wasn't appreciated so I gave up (in that relationship and any going forward).
I feel stupid doing those things.
Girls/guys think you're crazy/needy if you do those things.
People like their space.
Women want to be independent these days and don't like things like door holding or the offer to bring soup when they're sick.
My last boyfriend thought I was too affectionate so I've scaled back.
My last girlfriend got mad because I got her roses and she prefers carnations.
(Those last two were oddly specific...)

I have absolutely been the victim of this. I've been in that situation where it's the beginning of a new relationship and I'm so scarred from the last one that I hold back. It's not that we as women and men do these sweet gestures because we expect or need the "thank you" or appreciation. The types of people who inherently do things like this do them because it's part of who they are. I'm the type of girlfriend who will bring my boyfriend his Excedrin that he forgot so he can handle being at work without a migraine. Other girlfriends aren't like that and there's nothing wrong with that at all. We're all wired differently and we all have different wants and needs. Again, there is nothing wrong with those differences.

My pondering then really is just if any of us can identify the straw the broke the camel's back, as it were. What moment or series of events took us from the 16-year-old who wants to give his/her significant other a hug to disillusioned and jaded 20/30 somethings who are hesitant to perform acts of kindness and love? And you know what...I know you've been hurt. I know you've been made to feel like you're undeserving of love or affection. I also know that your heart probably looks somewhat like Frankenstein's monster, all sewn up and stapled closed just to be held together. Mine does, too. I have experienced what it's like to be unappreciated, used, and been made to feel like I was the crazy one for wanting something out of a relationship that meant more than settling. Believe me, I know. The hardest part is trying to allow someone access to that heart because you seriously wonder if it can be sewn and stapled again if it's torn apart yet another time.

The thing is, the right person for you will appreciate those parts of you that have been otherwise unappreciated. The right person for you will fulfill voids you felt with someone else. So I'm here to ask you to have a teenage mind and heart when it comes to love. That may be especially difficult right now for some of you reading this as Valentine's Day is a mere week away. I know this time of the year isn't the easiest to be single or heartbroken. I'll flat out say that it sucks. You can't go into a damn store without seeing hearts everywhere and you're like, "Oh my God I just want Cadbury eggs and sunscreen displays". But my favor that I ask of you is to try, now or in the future, to work with that teenage mind and heart and offer something that seems silly like bringing your significant other soup if he/she is sick or asking if he/she needs a hug on particularly rough day. Hell, maybe you even feel compelled to do something silly like bring your love a cupcake or clean his/her car if it snowed. The little things matter so SO much and it's easy to lose sight of that in our adult world of work, bills, social calendars, family events, loan repayment, etc. because those big things consume our minds. But if any of this made sense to you or echoes a part of you that used to be there before the pain and hurt set it, maybe give it a try. If those post doesn't resonate with you at all then I just appreciate that you took the time to check out what I had to say. So thanks! :)

Sending love and hugs to all of my valentines out there in the web world <3