Every Body Knows The Trouble I've Seen

This post is definitely going to annoy some people. I can already hear the thoughts of "Is she really complaining?" Or "Oh my God, shut up". I'm going to write this post anyway.

I've been feeling quite down about something that many of you have probably felt down about. I've been feeling bummed about my body. I know. I know for a fact that some of you who know me want to slap me right now because you like to think I have nothing to complain about. Well, I do. Even if you don't see the things I don't like, I see them and they upset me. They upset me and they make me feel less than pretty or sexy or even worth dating. 

It's amazing, isn't it? We so often let our value be defined by inches of our bodies. We let our beauty or sexiness be defined by legs and stomachs and noses. I'm not any different. I would love to tell you that I've been able to rise above all of this in my yogic journey and I can now just exist happily with who I am and how I look. But that's not true. It's not true at all. 

I, like many of you, spend time comparing myself to models, celebrities, and random strangers who I deem to have more desirable qualities than I. When these thoughts exist in one's mind, nothing anyone says seems to help. 15 people could tell you that what you see as a problem actually isn't and you'll still want to cry and yell about how it is and nothing you do seems to make it right. It's this catch-22 of frustration because you're frustrated about what you perceive is wrong with you and the people who love you are frustrated because nothing they say is fixing how upset you are. And it just plain sucks, doesn't it? 

I don't even have some magical answer for things right now. I wish I did. I could sit here and tell you to accept how you look and that you don't have flaws because you're made perfectly. I could tell you that you shouldn't feel self-conscious in a bathing suit or dread the upcoming summer weather because of having to abandon sweaters and jeans for tank tops and shorts. I could tell you all of these things. But this journey definitely is one of self-acceptance and learning to accept the things we really can't change or work on the things we think we can. Because in all reality, each of us is lovely and it's likely that the parts that we pick apart are exaggerated in our minds. I don't stare at every person I see who may have a pimple but I sure as hell have wondered if people gawk at me when I do. 

I've been working so hard to get ready for this trip to Miami I have in a week. I should be excited about a trip to a lovely place and an escape from reality. Instead, the thoughts consuming me are based around how I'll compare to the women there and how my body isn't as good and all I focus on are all the things wrong with me. Pure insanity. It's just really ridiculous that many of us have been so programmed to feel less than and feel like we have to be perfect and that any physical flaw makes us less desirable. It makes me so sad that my days lately have been defined by a few square inches of my body. (I'm not going to start a rant about societal standards or advertising because you all know those are huge parts of how we're programmed). 

We all struggle. We all have had moments of judging ourselves by appearance alone rather than the things we have to offer. Try to find comfort in the reality that you're not alone in this. Every body type has suffered with these thoughts and feelings. I know the fact that others can commiserate with you on this doesn't fix how you feel sometimes. But I hope that you know how lovely you are and that you should feel your very best. There is no such thing as perfection, regardless of what we all think is true. Strive for your happiness and do your best not to let anything get it the way. 

Not So Different After All

Believe me when I tell you that I'm all too aware that it's been almost a month since my last post. I'm sorry :-(  To be honest with you, I haven't felt truly moved or inspired in such a way that I've wanted to write something. I really only want to share my words with you when I feel a true inspiration to do so. Otherwise, I feel like it's all just forced and fake. I don't want to force anything that doesn't feel quite right. So, alas, that did result in my disappearance. I actually considered doing a 40 blog posts in 40 days for Lent (just as an exercise) but again, I feel like something would have been forced. Also, I'm going to be in Miami for eight days and I know that my phone will not be in the forefront of my mind while I'm getting a tan and enjoying the escape from the New Jersey winter (just being honest, my friends).

Anyway, you know those moments when you're driving or in the shower or wandering alone and you start to have those conversations with yourself? Maybe it's in those moments you ponder the meaning of life or how long the tree you're looking at has been there or maybe how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop (it's not 3, Owl!). Whatever you're pondering, I had one of those moments of deep thought and semi-clarity the other day.

I was on my way to yoga and I started thinking about how quickly we notice the differences versus the similarities. We're so quick to judge another person or place or belief system when we compare it to our own but we rarely, if ever, can see the similarities. I may be able to sit here and tell you thirty differences between myself and a teen drug addict but I can almost guarantee that she/he and I are both hurting for some reasons and have just utilized different tools for dealing with pain.

(DISCLAIMER: the following portion of this post does discuss religion. I do not, in my opinion, say anything offensive. However, if you feel that you might be offended, I would recommend switching to a different page or bracing yourself before continuing. If I do offend anyone, I apologize.)

My thought process ultimately shifted to how many Christians I've met who basically bash the idea of Yoga. I've heard everything from, "I don't do yoga, I'm a Christian" to "I don't worship those gods" to "That's idolatry". I find that so many Christians I've encountered have been so quick to dismiss Yoga or anything associated with it because of how disparate they feel Christianity is from Yogic beliefs. They often view Yoga as synonymous with Hinduism or Buddhism and therefore feel the two can't coexist (side note: there's a great book called Jesus in the Lotus that I've been working on reading and it discusses the union that can exist between Christianity and Yogic spirituality.)

Now, for anyone who only knows yoga as an exercise, there really are a great many similarities between Christianity and Yoga. For instance, one part of the 8 Limbs of Yoga is something called the Yamas. The five Yamas are as follows:

1. Ahimsa: non-harm of the self or others, including living creatures
2. Satya: truth
3. Asteya: non-stealing
4. Brahmachara: essentially, this is treating intimacy as a sacred act between two people in a meaningful way
5. Aparigraha: non-coveting

I didn't get too into the Yamas, but you see the essential overview. See any similarities? I surely do.

I also had the verse Matthew 5:16 come to mind out of nowhere as I drove: "In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." (New International Version). I see so much Yoga in that. Letting your light shine? Other seeing your good deeds? Glorifying God? So much Yoga! In many classes and in teacher training, we hear things about letting your heart shine or yourself shine and that others will see the good things that you do and the goodness in you. I remember being in Christian school and learning about how when you're a true Christian others will notice that you're different. Well, when you practice Yoga fully and truly people tend to notice a difference in you as well. And really, no one in a Yoga class or program would ever shun you for believing in God versus Ganesha or Shiva. Everything you do is to connect you and bring you closer to the present moment and ultimately closer to whatever or whomever you connect to on a spiritual level. Regardless, you are amazing enough to mange to exist as a beautiful spirit in a troubled world by shining that goodness forth.

I don't want to offend anyone. I don't want to make it seem like if you practice Yoga you're a Christian or if you're a Christian you have zero excuse to shy away from Yoga. Coming from a Christian household and identifying as a Christian for much of my life, I truly understand it all. My point is this: be open to the similarities in things before condemning. Try to seek understanding and Satya (truth) before running away from something because you deem it to be evil or wrong or impure. Understanding and openness are beautiful things that I think the world could use more of. We're all far more similar than we like to think and it's a great thing to be willing to seek out where those puzzle pieces connect instead of walking away from the puzzle because it's too damn hard.

I leave you with this quote from the commentary in The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali: "But the truth can never be changed because truth is always the same. The rites are just the skeletal structures that uphold the outside building, but the foundation of all the rites should be the same. That is why, whatever be the scripture, whether from the East, West, South or North, the basic truth should be in agreement."