Helplessly Devoted To You

It's always funny to me when inspiration strikes. This time it hit me while I was driving at 7:30am on my way to help my yoga teacher with hands on assists in class. I texted a friend of mine to thank her for speaking up about something one year ago. 

I don't want to get into specifics and I don't want to name names (although obviously anyone who personally knows me will know). I was at a party one year ago with my now ex-boyfriend. He realized that he forgot something at home and I offered to drive us there so he could get it. He said no and it was fine. I asked one more time stating that I wouldn't mind and it wasn't a big deal to go get it. He then snapped at me about this and told me to shut up. 

Now, I'm sure most of you are reading that thinking, "What a jerk. I hope you left him there." No, of course I didn't. This wouldn't be a blog post about experience and growth if I had haha. No, instead I apologized and did, in fact, shut up. I saw nothing wrong with this. We went home and acted as if nothing happened because to me, it was commonplace. I had actually grown accustomed to being told to shut up or being called a bitch as as term of endearment or being the recipient of a mood swing that wasn't even intended for me. This had become my norm and it had been that way for so long that I didn't even recognize that it wasn't a good thing. I rarely spoke up because I knew what the consequence would be so I just gave up.

In psychology, this is referred to as "learned helplessness". The original experiment for learned helplessness used dogs that would feel a shock (listen, this was before the hardcore rules in experimentation). The dogs were conditioned to learn that when they heard a tone they would receive a shock. When the dogs were put into a situation where they could escape the shock by moving to different area, they didn't and simply allowed the shock to happen. I'm definitely oversimplifying this, but I don't want to waste your time with a psychology lesson. 

The point is that even when the dogs had the chance to escape the shock, they didn't. They learned that there was nothing they could do to escape the shock so why bother trying? 

I feel like learned helplessness unfortunately becomes part of a lot of our lives, especially in relationships. Toward the end of my relationship, I really don't know my reason for staying. We weren't happy and the love that was once strong was actually painful. I knew I wasn't being treated the way I felt I should be and yet I stayed. I learned to be helpless and even though I knew I could leave because I had that ability, I just stayed and let the shocks continue and took them time after time without moving. 

I like to think that there are others out there who can relate to this. You know that you should leave a bad relationship or situation but you don't. You just stay and continue to get hurt for any number of reasons that you've convinced yourself of. The catalyst for me to move to the shock-free life was when a good friend of mine approached me about what happened at the party. She overheard the conversation and texted me to say never to shut up and that I have important things to say and that I did nothing wrong and it was really uncalled for. It was that moment when I paused and thought, "Wow. If someone else felt strongly enough to say something, it must be worse than I realize." It's then that your mind starts to remind you of other times you let the shocks happen and just sat there feeling the pain rather than removing yourself from the situation. It was very shortly after this that I realize I needed to stop getting shocked because there comes a point where it's just unhealthy and damaging and you know if you don't move soon you're going to be incapable of doing so.

When I think about this, it boggles my mind in a lot of ways because we as humans tend to be control freaks. Most of us don't like being in a situation we don't have control over. Some people don't like other people driving or seeing someone hurting and not knowing what to do or having someone help us with a project because they'll "do it wrong". Yet time and time again, we let ourselves lose control of situations we absolutely have control over simply because the learned helplessness kicks in and we stay in that shock cage. 

You are not helpless. You are so strong and so amazing. You don't deserve the painful shocks, whatever that means for you in whatever relationship or situation you're dealing with or have dealt with. The strength required to move to the shock-free area comes both from within you and from those around you who may share their strength and help you shake off the residual pain and get to where you need to be. It's not easy and it's not necessarily a quick heal either. Just think of any time you've literally been shocked and how that sensation feels...and that's just one quick, minor shock. So if that's amplified over time and intensity and number, you may have some healing to do to your body and heart and soul. But it all heals and you'll heal and be even stronger (trust me on this). 

So move from learned helplessness to learned hopefulness. 

From Headaches To Heartaches

I'm sure very few people can begin a blog post by saying their migraine inspired them. Well, mine did today.

When I tell you that today was the worst migraine I've ever had in my entire life I am completely not exaggerating. The pain was paralyzingly and the nausea was severe. I haven't eaten anything but an Advil Migraine and a Kind bar today because I simply couldn't do it. I actually ended up on the floor in my office, hiding under my desk, just for the chance to lay down and close my eyes. 

So, it was pretty damn bad. 

What I realized though was how exhausted I was from all of this. I didn't exactly get 8 hours of sleep last night but 6ish is the norm for me and that's right around where I was. But after hours of trying to fight the pain and anguish in my body I became so exhausted at work that I actually fell asleep while laying on the floor. 

I'm now home in bed to knock the rest of this headache out and, of course, that's when inspiration strikes. 

That physical pain used so much of my energy that I actually felt exhausted. I felt the way I've felt after sleepless nights or cramming all night for finals in grad school. If physical pain can make me feel that way, just think about what the emotional pain we feel is doing to us. I  fought so hard all day to power through that migraine. I refused to go home and I refused to give in and admit defeat. As a result, I went home and passed out for a nap. I woke up and went to dinner with my parents and then went to bed early. My alarm went off at 5:15am and I woke up. I then decided I could turn it off but still wake up in time (derp). So, of course, I woke up at 6:19am, flew out of bed, and got ready for work. The point is, even though I thought I had given my body the rest it needed, all that pain that I was fighting against and trying to push away had expended more energy than I realized. 

But that was just a really bad migraine. The fact is, we do this all the time with emotional pain more so than physical pain. If our shoulder hurts because we strained a muscle, most of us won't decide that's the right day to go lift extra heavy at the gym. If we break an ankle, that's not the night to go out dancing. We know when to allow rest for physical pain. But what about our emotional pain? We sometimes let pain that we feel from a relationship or failure or sad situation get pushed away because dealing with it would be far too much work or hassle or emotion. But just like how exhausted I was from fighting my migraine, we get incredibly exhausted from fighting the emotional pain, too.

I'm sure we've all been in relationships that we just knew weren't right. But what do we do? We sit there and rationalize and we tell ourselves that everything is okay. We don't deal with it when a significant other says something to make us feel like crap. We don't confront a friend or loved one when their jokes go too far. We push things aside and let them ruminate until we either feel defeated and give up or feel like we're about to explode. 

And we exhaust ourselves. We use up our finite amounts of energy given to is in this life just because it's easier than confronting something head on. I'm a huge supporter of picking your battles so I'm certainly not suggesting you go yell at your significant other every time they do something like forget to wash a spoon or don't notice your haircut. Really, some things just aren't worth a stupid fight. What I'm saying is that you need to figure out what your life migraine is and then decide to grab whatever Advil or Excedrin you need in order to ease that suffering. 

We're given these lives to live them and find happiness. We're given suffering because we need the sour to appreciate the sweet. But we also need to be aware and conscious of when we're allowing the suffering to become a chronic pain that tires us out while we sit idly by sans any type of remedy.

So, what's your migraine and what's the cure?